THE (SOMEWHAT) TRUE STORY OF EMILY SZINK: #VOTEEMILYSZINK

Emily Szink

Recently a young lady named Emily Szink was recognized as one of the “Top 50 fans” vying to become a finalist for the 2012 MLB Fan Cave.  Currently living in Kettering and working as a local television reporter in Dayton, Emily was one of the 22,000 fans who applied to become a Fan Cave contestant. 

Emily is hoping to go from one of the top 50 fans to one of the final 30, and then to one of a handful that gets to participate in the Fan Cave.   Once in the Cave, Emily would be subjected to a scenario similar to the popular TV show Big Brother.  Contestants are presented with the goal of watching all 2,430 MLB games while competing with one another in a series of challenges.  Fans online will determine who stays in the Cave and who goes.  When it’s all said and done, one winner will be crowned before the end of the World Series – we want it to be Emily Szink.  

Emily is the only fan of the Top 50 who aligns herself with the Cincinnati Reds – this despite growing up in Canton, Ohio where her father, an avid baseball card collector, lives and dies with the Cleveland Indians.  She lived in a few different states, but always remained loyal to the Redlegs.  When Emily became a student at the University of Dayton, she was pleased to find herself just a hop, skip and a jump from Great American Ball Park.

But how did Emily become one of the “Top 50 fans”, you ask?  She had to write three essays and submit a two-minute video.  And if you’re like me and think reality shows and these types of contests are simply used by the attention-starved glory-seekers to climb the ladder of fame, well, you might be right.  But Emily is legit.  Her essays were about Bryce Harper possibly making it to the Majors  in 2012, the Reds winning the World Series, and King Albert’s new regime in Anaheim.  In other words, she knows her stuff.   

I spoke to Emily for nearly 20 minutes on the phone last week.  She seemed nice and knowledgeable and pleasant enough.   I had no reason to think she’d be anything less than acceptable as an MLB Fan Cave participant.  I would surely root for her.  But for the purpose of this story, I dug a little deeper and found that there’s much more to Emily Szink than meets the eye.

It began when I discovered the truth about Emily’s two-minute video – a little something she named Moneyball 2 (Minutes).  In the film, her team actually wins a world title.  Secretly, she netted 11 Golden Globes and 12 Academy Awards for the movie, all under the pseudonym “Lizzy Grant.”  But that’s not all.  As my research continued, I upended some more incredible facts* on Ms. Emily Szink.

One cold September evening a couple of years ago, Emily, as she often does, was watching a Reds game at Great American Ball Park.  As the tilt with the ‘Stros came down to the wire, Emily crossed her fingers and said to no one in particular, “Please win this game.”  Seconds later, Jay Bruce hit a walkoff home run and the Reds clinched the National League Central Division title.  Bruce would later acknowledge no recollection of hitting that homer, rather, he claims “a higher power did it.”

Although, she’s barely into her 20s, I was shocked to learn of Emily’s role as a baseball ambassador in 1973.  That year, she left the country on a relief mission to build Laundromats in St. Louis.  While away, the Designated Hitter was established in baseball’s American League.  Every single baseball fan in the world wept and/or rioted.  Many to this day say that had Emily been stateside, the DH wouldn’t exist.

But perhaps Emily’s greatest accomplishment came when she changed the game forever.  Seeing that it was impossible for a first baseman, second baseman and third baseman to cover the entire infield, Emily invented the shortstop position.  When asked why she named it “shortstop,” Emily said, “I was wearing a great pair of shorts and a super cool top that day.”

On a chilly Fall evening in the 80s, Emily used a sharp pencil, a banana peel, an old pair of parachute pants and 10 minutes to make the raddest Cincinnati Reds jacket that anyone has ever seen.  She gave it to a dude who worked for a fledgling company called “Starter.”  The rest is history.

As a kid, Emily’s dentist recommended her teeth be straightened with braces.  Emily insisted that her braces be fabricated from the metal of her favorite t-ball bat.  On the same day that she had her braces applied, 7 year-old Emily brokered a peace deal between Hot Dogs and Big Red Smokeys.

In 2010, a couple of Reds fans invented the “SkyRosa” – a hybrid food item consisting of one Skyline Chili coney and a piece of LaRosa’s pizza.  Emily recently ate seven SkyRosas in the time it takes a normal man to tie both of his shoes.  She followed it up by eating 11 SkyRosas in the time it takes Thom Brennaman to tie one of his shoes.

Until now, these incredible tales of Emily Szink have been kept hush-hush.  Emily is a pillar of humility who, despite being a most remarkable person, desires to live a modest life.  She’s a charitable woman who donates 17,308 cans of corn to starving children every time a Reds player catches a routine fly ball.  (17,308 is her lucky number). 

Emily entered this MLB Fan Cave just for grins and giggles….and of course, just like everything else she commits to, she has succeeded.    The world is now ready for Emily Szink’s close-up, and we owe it to the world to lead her to victory.  Fellow Reds fans, please vote for Emily.  CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR EMILY!

(* not factual at all).

3 Comments

That was by far one of your best posts. If and when I ever become famous (or infamous) you are definitely hired to write my biography!!!

All the best Emily…being a wordsmith is always a good quality. Ive never heard your personal oratory but if it’s anything like Jamie’s here, we could all publish whatever we wanted to. Haha.

All kidding aside, best of luck. Reds fans who weren’t finalists are rooting for you.

Thank you for the support everyone! It means so much. -Emily

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